I am sitting here trying not to explode about how more exciting our life is about to become. I just don't really know what to think of all that our little family is going through at the moment. Tangents and segues and such.
I wonder if I am a good writer. I know no one will read this but me but I'd like to think that if someone ever read what I wrote that they would be intrigued to read more of my posts. What an insecure git. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/git. I love words. Git!!!!!!111 I want to use sophomoric. I am such a sophomoric git. Niiiiice.
Too much going on in my head. I hate being at a place where I can't fully express my enthusiasm and apprehension. Ken just went up to NYC on a US Airways flight tonight to prepare for an interview tomorrow at some point with people from Kaplan. I am so excited at the prospects that he has and knowing that he can set himself up very nice just about anywhere makes me absolutely grateful to be his sidekick/tag-along. I have not quite settled on what I will be doing when we get to wherever we go but I do know that until Joel is 3, I am going to stay home with kiddos. I am at a loss to figure out how I am supposed to keep sharpening my skill set as a domestic engineer. That term is not what I exactly wanted for my life growing up. Don't get me wrong, to be a mom was one of my dreams but I never thought I would get to stay home. I always thought, be it the way I grew up seeing my mother as the main source of income, I thought I would always have to be the breadwinner. I guess I didn't think that through too well when I decided to study Art History and History. There is so much that I learned for learning's sake but to set me up in some sort of trade, I am up the river without at least a current in the correct direction and possibly one beaver chewed paddle. I am working on not getting set on what I don't have and trying to look at what I can use and the skills that I try to finely tune every now and then. If we moved to NY or SF or Chicago or Boston, I know that I could possibly seek employment when my time comes but I know I am not as fortunate as Ken and be able to work wherever I choose.
I am so grateful that I married Ken. I don't know what I would do without him or who I would possibly be. He is such an amazing guy that I hope he will always feel the same about me that I feel about him. I know we have to be each other's biggest fans to make this thing work but I also believe that we need to be solidly rooted in Jesus's principles and constantly taken up with god's love. What I have been feeling lately towards Ken has me scared that I am causing some sort of blasphemous dissension between God and me. I know that I should be able to live on his bread alone but I find myself in the middle of the night or during a rainy drive home or after hearing some horrendous news about an accident getting extremely fearful of being without him. A preacher once said at a wedding, and I believe this as well, that the agape love that encompasses god should be the love that we all strive for to be complete. I know that what I feel for Ken is like no other and I know that I would do horrible things to a person that harms him. I just am absolutely confused as to how god may feel about my reservations to "give Ken up completely." I feel this exact same way about my kids. I don't know what I would do if they were harmed in any way that would damage their minds, bodies, and spirits. I know that since I have had kids myself, I can relate to god in the way, that he gave up Jesus so that I could have a relationship with him. How do I not love my family too much? There has to be a way that I revolve around god and also keep my family close at my chest. I can't be following a god that will not help me through to understand that I could never love my family as much as "he" loves me.
So my kids are so amazing and I love them so much. Why am I so extremely tired all the time and why don't I keep a nice house? The kids don't take too much from and definitely don't make my life hell. I am absolutely blessed but how wonderful they are and how much love we give back and forth. I know that Maya is more of a daddy's girl and I feel that I can love on Orion whenever I want and Joel at the moment relies so much on me that I know I have to be the favorite. I hope they know I love them. I didn't always know if my parents loved me and I often questioned it throughout my life. I sit hear, saddened by the thought that I am probably going to cause my kids to question my love for them. DAMMIT! This is exactly how god probably feels about us. I just want to make sure that they know I love them while teaching the craziness of Jesus. Because we ALL know it is crazy.
I do think that anyone in his/her right mind would think that any "normal" person that starts following someone completely and calls them their savior and hopes to be in "heaven" with them one day has to be the most unstable being around. I often feel that way with how much I love an often feeling inanimate intangible object. What is god? I know there is something inside of me that steers me in directions that are most conducive for my safety but what is this being that everyone speaks so highly of, even myself. God can't possibly be male or female. To be able to stir something deep within me and to force my foot in an opposite direction has to be the work of something greater than myself. There can't be some brooding haberdasher of darkness making my life better if it were a human being. We are all just so stupid, ignorant, self absorbed, and mistrusting to ever think that we could do the work that changes feelings in a heart to be something that is absent of our own character. I guess that is the part "created in his image." I just know there is inherent value in the text of the bible but I also know that to be taken to the depths of god, I need to be able to dig past what men have written and try to get to the heart of the matter. There is so much more to who god is than just one extremely long text that seems exhaustive but in the light of truth only pricks the surface of the meaning. I want to know that but I know I hold my family too dear at times that I am stay forever anxious and afraid at what that means for my place in eternity. My Ken, my kids, my family/friends...how can I really know where I am supposed to stand if I am constantly overwhelmed with my love for these beings that I can touch and love and talk to and argue with and forgive.
I am just so amazed at my lack of clarity. I know that I love people and I know that is where my gift lies but it is oh so true that my greatest and fiercest talent is also the vice that makes me afraid and unsure of myself. There is so much that I have to learn because I am only 30 but really...really....where do we go when this is all over and we stop fighting for the love of those we hold so dear? What then is this all for? 30 is just a flash in the pan compared with the possibility of eternity. ETERNITY??!! WTF??!!
Does it even matter that I have broken someone's heart in the past, that I have lied right to someone's face, that I became insecure in how strong I am loving someone and am I loving them too much. Whatever. I just hope that god continues to give me those second chances. God and chances. Everything has to be such a dumb mystery. Ugh. Whatever.
More words on the page. I could write more but I am over anxious to finish cleaning that kitchen. I know for damn sure I better get more energy for the next month because I have too much work to do than to just be tired all the time.
w00t!! Ken just called. In NYC! Kitchen time and then a call from my lover. bwahahahaha....lover. WORDS! Incorrect grammar usage and so on and so on...
Oh, here is a picture of Joel. Such a cute cute!
He is such a sweet little guy.
I hope my littlest boy in the house just needs a helmet. I am sure this will be ANOTHER post coming up. Right now I will take advice from Ken and only react when I get the news.
