Everything makes me cry or gets me anxious or livid.
I feel like I am a mother tyrannosaurus rex walking the halls of a mental institution.
Thoughts of Orion being gypped of baby status and not being able to hold her when Joel is born, songs that come on the pandora, friends and family members having babies (along with the struggles of actually giving birth), thoughts of car wrecks, being shot, or losing my children/Kennerd, my sister being in rehab, not being able to see my niece for 3 years, the loss of loved ones, discussions on TWW, NC State playing poorly, the dissolving of our beloved church, talking to my aging grandmother, do we circumcise Joel, reading posts from my stupid 16 year on facebook, not being able to eat what I want to eat, hurting so bad from the pregnancy that I can't have sex, thinking of how sad my mother is, paintings that my friends create, we need a bigger vehicle, the three year old class, UNCC's policies, my ever so slightly retarded dogs, the pile of laundry that never goes away or the dishes that I cannot ever seem to clean well enough, making dinner, my diabetes, or some stupid remark by a politician reported on NPR, and the list can continue because these are the things that I think of when I am restless at night or I feel backed against a wall. I can totally let these things captivate me and cause me to become a whirlwind of doubt, worry, confusion, listlessness, depressed, lazy, a monster, impatient, and ungrateful. And then the excuses come BUT I will not go into those. :snicker:
I just read an article a friend posted about a love story between two heroin addicts and dealing with HIV. I cried like no other.
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2011/12/22/magazine/the-lives-they-lived.html?src=tp#view=uneasy_rider
Yesterday when reading about Jay-Z and Beyonce's little girl, Blue Ivy, I got so angry at the circumstances of her birth. They decided to have their child in a public hospital but paid the hospital $1.3 million to shut the maternal ward down (later found to be false). One father had to deal with the body guards on multiple occasions when he was only wanting to see his two premature twins that has just been born via c-section. I felt like getting on my soap box and preaching about the stupidity of celebrity in our country but I just had to calm down, get over it and try to fight a different battle worth fighting for: my child.
Maya has been so...different lately. I don't know what to make of her because her behavior issues have been gradual and we have been trying to deal with it as it comes. I don't know if she is going through the realization that another baby is coming into the home so she needs to now act out in school, at home, at church, try to pin my against her daddy, and also start a trend of nightly wetting the bed.
I am so...well, I have been overwhelmed by her. I don't know how to help her through all of this newness.
I myself am overwhelmed with Orion being so young and needy and trying my best to give Maya attention at the same rate. I am grateful for Ken and all that he does but I have been spending more time with the girls lately on my own and it just gets so...exhausting. Being about in my third trimester, with a helpless 9 month old and a ever so becoming aware of her place almost 4 year old, I am just about at my emotional end. I don't ever want any of my kids to have to act out to feel loved and I don't want them to EVER feel like I love one more than the other. I have just been so teary eyed thinking of how much I felt like that growing up. I think that is why I never wanted to have too many children because the feelings of abandonment when you have not been technically abandoned can shape you into a bitter person. I know that Maya through and through is a daddy's girl so being the substitute when I know she is wanting his attention can be heart wrenching. Her new thing is she tells me that daddy said she could do something when he in fact has said the opposite or did not discuss such matters at all with her. MANIPULATION??!! ALREADY??!! Sigh. Don't get me started on her starting to wet the bed again.
My friends think it is a phase. I hope so. I hope this is not her personality and something that I am going to have to help mold and adapt to as well. Man!! BEING A PARENT IS CONFUSING AND UNSETTLING!!! Please don't get pregnant when you are 15 or do drugs at an early age. Please be an intelligent, saavy, beautiful citizen of reason!!! PLEASE DON'T FEEL APATHETIC TOWARDS ME!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Let. It. Go. Breath! This is the way, walk in it.
Love this picture of the girls. Jan 2011
At Denny's with the girl.
Kennerd with the Orion girl baby.
The second biggest thing that has been kind of plaguing my mind recently is what is our future going to look like? What is the dynamic of three kids? Can I handle three kids? What job is Ken going to have next? Will it be stable? Am I ever going to have a career or am I going to always be a mom? Where will we live? Can we sell our house? Will I EVER go on dates with my guy? How much time away from the girls will this new adventure take from Ken? Will I have a circle of affirmation wherever we go?
Let. It. Go. Breath! This is the way, walk in it!
BTW, that is going to be a new tattoo when I am no longer pregnant. My friend, Joel, will be doing it!
It will be on my left bicep and in mouth breather font will say "THIS IS THE WAY, WALK IN IT."
I definitely will work on just resting, trying to read books, taking it easy, enjoying the time with the girls, conversing with Ken about his exciting new prospects, getting excited about Dani's wedding, and just being the best friend I can be to my hubs.
Also, YAY! Dani is getting married and I am going to get to dress up! No worries about Joel will be fed. I promise. I PROMISE!
Goal-
Try to give it to God!
Joel, the lack of time, the smaller car, the unsure future, the pregnancy, the "WHY MAYA? WHY?", my career, family, friends, and the like.
Pregnant at 25 weeks
Kissy face at Joie's wedding.
Christmas 2011 at grandpa and nana Warner's.
Going to take a nap because I have a headache.
Later blog.
<3
