Can I never figure out a post title? Ugh. Pfffffttt!!

This blog post is going to be all over the place and I don't care.

I am sitting here trying not to explode about how more exciting our life is about to become. I just don't really know what to think of all that our little family is going through at the moment. Tangents and segues and such.

I wonder if I am a good writer. I know no one will read this but me but I'd like to think that if someone ever read what I wrote that they would be intrigued to read more of my posts. What an insecure git. http://www.thefreedictionary.com/git. I love words. Git!!!!!!111 I want to use sophomoric. I am such a sophomoric git. Niiiiice.

Too much going on in my head. I hate being at a place where I can't fully express my enthusiasm and apprehension. Ken just went up to NYC on a US Airways flight tonight to prepare for an interview tomorrow at some point with people from Kaplan. I am so excited at the prospects that he has and knowing that he can set himself up very nice just about anywhere makes me absolutely grateful to be his sidekick/tag-along. I have not quite settled on what I will be doing when we get to wherever we go but I do know that until Joel is 3, I am going to stay home with kiddos. I am at a loss to figure out how I am supposed to keep sharpening my skill set as a domestic engineer. That term is not what I exactly wanted for my life growing up. Don't get me wrong, to be a mom was one of my dreams but I never thought I would get to stay home. I always thought, be it the way I grew up seeing my mother as the main source of income, I thought I would always have to be the breadwinner. I guess I didn't think that through too well when I decided to study Art History and History. There is so much that I learned for learning's sake but to set me up in some sort of trade, I am up the river without at least a current in the correct direction and possibly one beaver chewed paddle. I am working on not getting set on what I don't have and trying to look at what I can use and the skills that I try to finely tune every now and then. If we moved to NY or SF or Chicago or Boston, I know that I could possibly seek employment when my time comes but I know I am not as fortunate as Ken and be able to work wherever I choose.

I am so grateful that I married Ken. I don't know what I would do without him or who I would possibly be. He is such an amazing guy that I hope he will always feel the same about me that I feel about him. I know we have to be each other's biggest fans to make this thing work but I also believe that we need to be solidly rooted in Jesus's principles and constantly taken up with god's love. What I have been feeling lately towards Ken has me scared that I am causing some sort of blasphemous dissension between God and me. I know that I should be able to live on his bread alone but I find myself in the middle of the night or during a rainy drive home or after hearing some horrendous news about an accident getting extremely fearful of being without him. A preacher once said at a wedding, and I believe this as well, that the agape love that encompasses god should be the love that we all strive for to be complete. I know that what I feel for Ken is like no other and I know that I would do horrible things to a person that harms him. I just am absolutely confused as to how god may feel about my reservations to "give Ken up completely." I feel this exact same way about my kids. I don't know what I would do if they were harmed in any way that would damage their minds, bodies, and spirits. I know that since I have had kids myself, I can relate to god in the way, that he gave up Jesus so that I could have a relationship with him. How do I not love my family too much? There has to be a way that I revolve around god and also keep my family close at my chest. I can't be following a god that will not help me through to understand that I could never love my family as much as "he" loves me.

So my kids are so amazing and I love them so much. Why am I so extremely tired all the time and why don't I keep a nice house? The kids don't take too much from and definitely don't make my life hell. I am absolutely blessed but how wonderful they are and how much love we give back and forth. I know that Maya is more of a daddy's girl and I feel that I can love on Orion whenever I want and Joel at the moment relies so much on me that I know I have to be the favorite. I hope they know I love them. I didn't always know if my parents loved me and I often questioned it throughout my life. I sit hear, saddened by the thought that I am probably going to cause my kids to question my love for them. DAMMIT! This is exactly how god probably feels about us. I just want to make sure that they know I love them while teaching the craziness of Jesus. Because we ALL know it is crazy.

I do think that anyone in his/her right mind would think that any "normal" person that starts following someone completely and calls them their savior and hopes to be in "heaven" with them one day has to be the most unstable being around. I often feel that way with how much I love an often feeling inanimate intangible object. What is god? I know there is something inside of me that steers me in directions that are most conducive for my safety but what is this being that everyone speaks so highly of, even myself. God can't possibly be male or female. To be able to stir something deep within me and to force my foot in an opposite direction has to be the work of something greater than myself. There can't be some brooding haberdasher of darkness making my life better if it were a human being. We are all just so stupid, ignorant, self absorbed, and mistrusting to ever think that we could do the work that changes feelings in a heart to be something that is absent of our own character. I guess that is the part "created in his image." I just know there is inherent value in the text of the bible but I also know that to be taken to the depths of god, I need to be able to dig past what men have written and try to get to the heart of the matter. There is so much more to who god is than just one extremely long text that seems exhaustive but in the light of truth only pricks the surface of the meaning. I want to know that but I know I hold my family too dear at times that I am stay forever anxious and afraid at what that means for my place in eternity. My Ken, my kids, my family/friends...how can I really know where I am supposed to stand if I am constantly overwhelmed with my love for these beings that I can touch and love and talk to and argue with and forgive.

I am just so amazed at my lack of clarity. I know that I love people and I know that is where my gift lies but it is oh so true that my greatest and fiercest talent is also the vice that makes me afraid and unsure of myself. There is so much that I have to learn because I am only 30 but really...really....where do we go when this is all over and we stop fighting for the love of those we hold so dear? What then is this all for? 30 is just a flash in the pan compared with the possibility of eternity. ETERNITY??!! WTF??!!

Does it even matter that I have broken someone's heart in the past, that I have lied right to someone's face, that I became insecure in how strong I am loving someone and am I loving them too much. Whatever. I just hope that god continues to give me those second chances. God and chances. Everything has to be such a dumb mystery. Ugh. Whatever.

More words on the page. I could write more but I am over anxious to finish cleaning that kitchen. I know for damn sure I better get more energy for the next month because I have too much work to do than to just be tired all the time.

w00t!! Ken just called. In NYC! Kitchen time and then a call from my lover. bwahahahaha....lover. WORDS! Incorrect grammar usage and so on and so on...

Oh, here is a picture of Joel. Such a cute cute!

He is such a sweet little guy.

I hope my littlest boy in the house just needs a helmet. I am sure this will be ANOTHER post coming up. Right now I will take advice from Ken and only react when I get the news.

More life.

My birthday came and went. I am now 30. I was looking forward to turning 30 and was not expecting to be pregnant again while doing it. I was wanting a large celebration because I think 30 represents my complete decent/ascent into adulthood, no longer a child. My sister-in-law had a grand party for her 30th, we are 5 days apart in age and I found myself being jealous of her celebration. I had to stop and remember that I need to celebrate her and rejoice with her!
Ken did try to make my day as special as he could. We went out to the "chicken store" (Chick-fil-a) so the girls could celebrate with me the day of my birthday. And the next day was good as well! It was nice to have a date with him because of the help from our friends April and Ryan. We went to firebirds and then watched a pretty good movie, Chronicle. He also got me a prenatal massage at my favorite place, Bellies and Babies. So that is all some good stuff! No large celebration like I wanted but I do hope to hang out with some women at the beginning of March at Bistro La Bon. I do hope that works out.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!! :spin:

-fast-forward to the present-

Right now in I am dealing with a very sick littlest girl in the house. She sneezes, coughs, cries, acts happy, had trouble breathing while drinking her bottle, and is touching EVERYTHING with her little germy hands. I think Ken gave her whatever he had and she just seems to be miserable with happiness. Kind of perplexing. Right now I have her watching the Backyardigans and she enjoying every minute of dancing and watching this show. Makes me very happy to see her so happy. Jingling her Pooh Bear rattle while she dances. LOVE! I hope she gets to feeling better because it breaks my heart to see her so miserable and not being able to breath very well.
She is over 10 months old now and she is still not crawling. I just helped her up from this awkward position she tends to always get herself in while reaching for things. Can be quite hilarious. If she would only learn how to crawl for what she wants, she would not be in this position. Ha! I do know that when Joel comes, I am going to have the most difficult time if she is not somewhat mobile. I am guessing I will carrie Joel in the moby and scoot her along in the umbrella stroller. I will have to work it out.
Man...that leads me to thinking how I am going to juggle kids in and out of our camry. I will not think or talk of it because we can't get something bigger right now anyway.

I'll talk about Maya.

Today, Maya did not take a nap like she was supposed to and part of that could be because Orion was crying with snot face in the next room for part of the time she was laying down. I am having a hard time getting her to see the importance of taking a nap at her age. She also has been wetting the bed at night, acting out in school, and has not been wanting to do anything but watch shows. I do think a lot of that has to do with her inability to comprehend nap time. I have sought the advice of other more veteran parents to get advice on this situation. And we are trying all that they have done. I think it might be working but I am still having a hard time with her nap schedule.

This weekend is the birthday party for the great-grands. I really hope we are able to see Keresten. I am almost positive that Payton will be there so that is good. I am probably going over to Angie's house with grandma is they don't let her come over. Just to give her gifts that we have had and bought for her. I also hope that Billie makes this party about the kids and not about her problems. I REALLY hope her "husband" does not act out, too, and I hope that we are all safe. I never know what to expect from people that have been addicts. I kind of wish they would not be there but it is her kids' party as well as Maya's. I hope she is not using again. Please! Our last conversation about grandma was not that good. I hope we don't kill our grandma's poor heart with family feud type situations.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DINGER, KERESTEN, AND PAYTON!!

Off to the grocery store for apples, ginger ale, oj, cheese and to look at birthday cakes. :spin:

What the heck is wrong with me??!!

I have been feeling so emotional lately. I typically am a very emotional, in touch with her feelings kind of girl but wow!! Way overboard.

Everything makes me cry or gets me anxious or livid.
I feel like I am a mother tyrannosaurus rex walking the halls of a mental institution.
Thoughts of Orion being gypped of baby status and not being able to hold her when Joel is born, songs that come on the pandora, friends and family members having babies (along with the struggles of actually giving birth), thoughts of car wrecks, being shot, or losing my children/Kennerd, my sister being in rehab, not being able to see my niece for 3 years, the loss of loved ones, discussions on TWW, NC State playing poorly, the dissolving of our beloved church, talking to my aging grandmother, do we circumcise Joel, reading posts from my stupid 16 year on facebook, not being able to eat what I want to eat, hurting so bad from the pregnancy that I can't have sex, thinking of how sad my mother is, paintings that my friends create, we need a bigger vehicle, the three year old class, UNCC's policies, my ever so slightly retarded dogs, the pile of laundry that never goes away or the dishes that I cannot ever seem to clean well enough, making dinner, my diabetes, or some stupid remark by a politician reported on NPR, and the list can continue because these are the things that I think of when I am restless at night or I feel backed against a wall. I can totally let these things captivate me and cause me to become a whirlwind of doubt, worry, confusion, listlessness, depressed, lazy, a monster, impatient, and ungrateful. And then the excuses come BUT I will not go into those. :snicker:

I just read an article a friend posted about a love story between two heroin addicts and dealing with HIV. I cried like no other.

http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2011/12/22/magazine/the-lives-they-lived.html?src=tp#view=uneasy_rider

Read the post if you'd like but that picture right there just got me! My heart swelled and then welled!!

Yesterday when reading about Jay-Z and Beyonce's little girl, Blue Ivy, I got so angry at the circumstances of her birth. They decided to have their child in a public hospital but paid the hospital $1.3 million to shut the maternal ward down (later found to be false). One father had to deal with the body guards on multiple occasions when he was only wanting to see his two premature twins that has just been born via c-section. I felt like getting on my soap box and preaching about the stupidity of celebrity in our country but I just had to calm down, get over it and try to fight a different battle worth fighting for: my child.

Maya has been so...different lately. I don't know what to make of her because her behavior issues have been gradual and we have been trying to deal with it as it comes. I don't know if she is going through the realization that another baby is coming into the home so she needs to now act out in school, at home, at church, try to pin my against her daddy, and also start a trend of nightly wetting the bed.

I am so...well, I have been overwhelmed by her. I don't know how to help her through all of this newness.
I myself am overwhelmed with Orion being so young and needy and trying my best to give Maya attention at the same rate. I am grateful for Ken and all that he does but I have been spending more time with the girls lately on my own and it just gets so...exhausting. Being about in my third trimester, with a helpless 9 month old and a ever so becoming aware of her place almost 4 year old, I am just about at my emotional end. I don't ever want any of my kids to have to act out to feel loved and I don't want them to EVER feel like I love one more than the other. I have just been so teary eyed thinking of how much I felt like that growing up. I think that is why I never wanted to have too many children because the feelings of abandonment when you have not been technically abandoned can shape you into a bitter person. I know that Maya through and through is a daddy's girl so being the substitute when I know she is wanting his attention can be heart wrenching. Her new thing is she tells me that daddy said she could do something when he in fact has said the opposite or did not discuss such matters at all with her. MANIPULATION??!! ALREADY??!! Sigh. Don't get me started on her starting to wet the bed again.
My friends think it is a phase. I hope so. I hope this is not her personality and something that I am going to have to help mold and adapt to as well. Man!! BEING A PARENT IS CONFUSING AND UNSETTLING!!! Please don't get pregnant when you are 15 or do drugs at an early age. Please be an intelligent, saavy, beautiful citizen of reason!!! PLEASE DON'T FEEL APATHETIC TOWARDS ME!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Let. It. Go. Breath! This is the way, walk in it.

Love this picture of the girls. Jan 2011

At Denny's with the girl.

Kennerd with the Orion girl baby.

The second biggest thing that has been kind of plaguing my mind recently is what is our future going to look like? What is the dynamic of three kids? Can I handle three kids? What job is Ken going to have next? Will it be stable? Am I ever going to have a career or am I going to always be a mom? Where will we live? Can we sell our house? Will I EVER go on dates with my guy? How much time away from the girls will this new adventure take from Ken? Will I have a circle of affirmation wherever we go?

Let. It. Go. Breath! This is the way, walk in it!

BTW, that is going to be a new tattoo when I am no longer pregnant. My friend, Joel, will be doing it!
It will be on my left bicep and in mouth breather font will say "THIS IS THE WAY, WALK IN IT."

I definitely will work on just resting, trying to read books, taking it easy, enjoying the time with the girls, conversing with Ken about his exciting new prospects, getting excited about Dani's wedding, and just being the best friend I can be to my hubs.

Also, YAY! Dani is getting married and I am going to get to dress up! No worries about Joel will be fed. I promise. I PROMISE!

Goal-
Try to give it to God!
Joel, the lack of time, the smaller car, the unsure future, the pregnancy, the "WHY MAYA? WHY?", my career, family, friends, and the like.

Pregnant at 25 weeks

Kissy face at Joie's wedding.

Christmas 2011 at grandpa and nana Warner's.

Just a few sweet pictures of the girls, Joel, and my guy. <3

Going to take a nap because I have a headache.

Later blog.

<3